End of a year is for everyone a special time. Some of us were getting ready for the New Years celebration, for others, it’s time to make a summary of past 12 months. For me last year was one of the most extraordinary of all I had. Total rollercoaster, unpredictable 12 months. I would like to share with you my thoughts and the things which I have realized about deep in my heart. Moments which touched me and changed me.
2017 started very smoothly with family but very quickly turned our lives upside down. My marriage got to the end. I am partially to blame for it, I am not perfect although I know how to talk and solve problems. Last 5 years for me were a time of development, every so often I was trying to inspire and encourage my wife to join me on this journey but today I can see we just started to get far away from each other and walk in two different directions.
Emotionally it was very similar. I was giving flowers, gifts, kind words, and happiness. I wanted to be happy and share the joy of everyday life and having kids together. Yes, 10 years ago I was an asshole, I couldn’t enjoy my life, the feelings we had. I was a man of a foul tongue and I was hurting people with my words. Each of us was focused on kids than on each other. Together we were standing against all adversities, depression, Maks diagnosis, Livia birthday, moving to Scotland and the new life in Edinburgh.
I moved out. It wasn’t easy, fear of losing kids, loosening up a relationship with them and being judged. Honestly, the last one is still bothering me. Even when our friends are coming over to my ex for Xmas when I’m coming to pick up kids they are hiding behind closed doors to not see me. It’s sad but it’s real. I am repeating to myself that it stands for who they really are, but it’s still difficult to accept.
Today I am crucified in public for meeting someone when apparently I was so in love – that’s what they say. I will tell you shortly how did that happen. After we separated I decided to go to people, meet someone, go for a coffee. I haven’t been doing that for years! A friend of mine told me about something called Badoo, and that’s when I made an account there. In my naive opinion, I was sure I am looking for someone to go for a coffee and just meet. I had an account over there exactly 7 days! Most of the women was a joke, maybe a few nice one. I came across Klaudia, during the first cup of coffee I already knew I want to meet again, go for a walk. Very quickly we realized we like spending time with each other. Unfortunately for everyone from my existing circle of friends, I became a sinner. I dared to meet someone else after I got my hat handed to me, literally. I became the bad one. It was painful for quite some time, now I understand that I haven’t done anything wrong. Nevertheless, for our common friends, I was a cheater, bad husband, someone who left the wife with two kids.
Kids are perfectly fine lying by my side while I am writing it. We had an amazing holiday in Poland with their mum. All four of us, we managed to handle it quite well. In October we went to Spain with Klaudia and kids. Kids are living with me three to four days a week. All school holidays we are sharing with me and my ex in the fairway. You can’t imagine what an amazing relationship we have with kids. Frankly, I didn’t expect Livia and Maks to handle this storm in their family life so well.
Mother of my kids is making a lot of efforts to make sure that our children are as close a possible to both of us. She could cause issues, try to discourage kids from seeing me, speak badly about me or try to make our contact more difficult. However, she is an extraordinary mother and she understands that contact of children with both of their parents is more important than her personal feelings to my person. I hope this is the way it will always look like.
From my side, she has all support she wants, I will always be a helping hand if only she will need me. I can’t say a single bad word about her, not because that’s what I should say to you, it’s because the only things which matters are our children and the example we are giving to them.
From the other side, this situation showed me how surprising can be life. It thought me that even the worst thing ever can be turned into something positive. Our children are loved by us, they are well taken care of and rise in a good way. We – their parents – are choosing our own paths, I am happy I had a chance to meet someone and to develop and grow myself. Rock Daddy is getting better and better. I was judged many times, I received plenty of messages with someone else opinion about my person from people who know better. It’s been ten months I am still being slander by other for seeing someone. Messages full of hate, telling what a piece of shit I have to be because I left my family for Klaudia. The truth is much different but I don’t expect much from a bunch of idiots looking for something to talk about and a way to prove that they are better than me so that can throw some dirt and shit in my face.
Anyway, this year was an emotional rollercoaster. I had weeks when I didn’t want and couldn’t get up from a bed. I felt awful like I not only lose my wife but my entire family. I felt stripped of my dignity, my dreams were taken away. However, working with a psychologist helped to pull myself together, children were my inspiration and escape from the entire world. Klaudia was giving me the support and understanding I haven’t had for many years. I am in peace with myself, I am analyzing everything and I still have bad moments but with every passing day I am surer that it was a good moment for a breakup. My exes words: “Niko I think you should be with someone else.” were good words. Those were kind words, neither of us should ignore signals like this one.
Today when 2017 is finished I know it all makes sense. 2018 is looking bright. Gataways and holidays with kids, few trips to Poland as a speaker at conferences, new experiences, another book, next stage of education, development, moving in with each other, hopefully still a good relationship with my ex. Most of all I know that my fear of losing contact with children is completely ridiculous. They love me as much as I love them, our relationship is based on happiness, being with each other as often as possible, playing together, planning and learning each other.
The year 2017 was a lesson to be never forgotten. It was a turning point, the moment of changes which showed me that sometimes you have to stop for quite some time to move with greater speed. I focused on kids and myself, I noticed a chance to be happy and I used it. I wanted to make a final conclusion, tell you how much I have learned and how much those changes cost me. I am ready for 2018 as never before. We are seating together with my kids and I am proud of myself being able to build such an amazing relationship with two of our kids, so different from each other. 2017 was as well a year of health issues, for kids and me but we made it!
You, my reader, I would like to thank you for spending your precious time on reading my blog, for all the messages and that you are here. Thank you for all of you waiting for a translation of “The A World” book! Thank you for your support and for the lack of support. Thank you for those who hate me, friends who show their real faces, those who disappeared from our lives. It’s great to know that I don’t have to start a new year with the fake people by our sides. I am grateful for amazing people I met in 2017, for new experiences, plans, dreams and a lesson of humility. I feel like a Pheonix, raised from the ashes. That’s my motto for 2018 and I wish you the same. You see, only seemingly I’ve lost everything, at the end balance sheet looks positive. I have lost the life which wasn’t real, it wasn’t for me. I have lost unnecessary ballast and what did I get in return? Everything!
Ps. This post is just a reflection of my feelings and thoughts, it’s full of optimism and hope. There is no pity or anger in it. It all depends on how you will read it, what’s hiding inside of you. Cheers!