Recently I was wondering if everything is ok with us, Polish people. You know what? A year ago I published my first book “The A word”. Over a year ago I started my blogging journey and I became a Rock n Roll Autism Dad in social media. I joined and become a regular visitor to Facebook groups and discussion group on the internet. I can’t believe what I see there. Yes, it’s a fact that I have very specific views and I don’t live in Poland for 13 years but seriously?! Are you mothers, fathers normal and at your right mind?
When I logged in to Facebook as an author of book and blogger the humming of people started immediately: he is using his son disability to promote himself, an illiterate man trying to write a book and many other allegations. At first, I was taking part in discussions. I wanted my opinion to be expressed and it was natural for me to get involved in debates. It didn’t take me a long time to understand that it’s not about kids and it’s not about parents either. Surprisingly it’s all about who is hooking up with who, who will manage to come up with a better insult and most of all who will show the real “power”.
It’s horrifying to admit but on the very beginning I let myself to be dragged into debates, I was giving my opinion and you know what? It happened to be not relevant! I was always the bad one. There was plenty of reasons given like that fact that I don’t live in Poland so I have no clue how the REAL life with ASD child looks like. I am a father so by nature, I have no clue what I am talking about and most the parents are leaving families anyway. I wrote a book so I’ve sold out and of course, I’m building my fame on my autistic son. I don’t belong to “Anti Vaccine” movement, I give my child gluten, casein, sweets and whatever else you can think of. I will not mention that pretty much nobody from those people knows how looks like my child diet and food selectiveness.
Damn guys! I am not a saint and not once I got myself into a stupid argument. I have pretty sharp tongue and sometimes emotions take over when I got into a written discussion. However the level of discussion those people – the representation of ASD parents – are having is equal to a cesspool. Of course, I am generalizing a little bit, don’t expect from that I will tell that one group is nice but the other one complete opposite. Discussion groups are made out of people, unfortunately mostly mothers.
Now I will present you three types of mothers which you can find on autism groups:
- Cool Mothers – Those one are getting involved in many debates, they are friends with each other on Facebook, and they see each other in real, private life. They like to talk about autism but not only. Those mothers are characterized but reappearing support to each other during a discussion and they’re backing up views of other people. However, if they don’t agree with someone they are capable of expressing their opinion in a culturally appropriate way.
- Crazy Mothers – usually they say that their truth is the only acceptable truth. They believe in extreme solutions and nothing else. They are nesting in life, fridges and digestive systems of other ASD parents. Strongly convinced that everyone except them is doing wrong things and in fact is hurting children. Despite multiple warning and banning, they are stubborn. After the final ban and exclusion from a group they are creating their own place to gossips and shit about The Cool Mothers (plus myself and rarely appearing fathers).
- Observing Mothers – They are existing in groups, sometimes they will read something and they are not interested in any dramas. Their hands are busy with sorting out real-life issues and thanks to that they cannot afford wasting precious time to fight with internet representation of imbeciles.
It’s been a while since I got engaged in any sort of chat on one of those groups. To be honest I’m stopping myself from saying anything even if I have something substantive and important to say. I always have a second thought and ask myself – do you need this? I decided that my blog and RockDaddy FanPage will be places to express my opinion. My blog is my home, place where I can tell you about everything close to my heart. Without any shame and gibberish of Crazy Mothers.
How comes to British Autism groups are not full of toxic people, vipers biting you on every step? A Very interesting situation from some time ago: on one of the discussion groups we noticed women who started to be really engaged in a couple of debates, after a short period of times this group looked like after bomb explosion. Insults and dishing the dirt around and to the surprise of other group members this woman happened to be Polish! Is that our nature? Are The Crazy Mothers 90% of society or just majority of ASD children mothers? I am one of the moderators of group “I am a dad” where about fatherhood and parenting are talking only guys. Right now there over seven thousand fathers over there and guess what?! No fights, no sniping, and no dramas.
I am aware that women are having a different approach to most of the subjects. More emotionally, vividly. Pretty often they are looking for the second bottom of the situation and from a scientific point of view, emotions are causing an increase of tendency to judgment and lack of objective approach. That comes very often with exaggerated relation with someone else point of view or very personal reception of matters touched in a discussion.
Slowly week by week I am moving away from groups. I don’t need this sort of drama in my life. I am not interested in reading insult towards other people and I don’t want to be a believer in one and only truth. I don’t want to be a part of something that is ruled by prejudices, where autism is seen from a perspective of “my child” only. I don’t want adults with Asperger to tell me that I am not right just because I am neuro-typical and I can’t possibly understand my own child better than them. I don’t agree with building walls in between us. Think about that.
Every group has from hundreds to couple thousands of members in most of them the same people. From Biomed, I already left or maybe they kicked me out? There’s not much left from nutrition group, many of members I banned myself. I think we need to start considering what sort of image we show in our ASD groups. Yes, I am a parent. Yes, sometimes frustration, grieve, depression, lack of resources, acceptance or help can dim common sense. It’s an easy and pleasant subject. You can’t compare it with questions to fashion blogger and I know it. You don’t have to like everyone and everything! Bloody hell, you shouldn’t apply your own standard to someone else life.
Oh! One more thing!
Why there is such a small amount of fathers taking part in discussions? It’s not because we don’t have time, not because we don’t care or we don’t accept our children with ASD. It’s only due to the fact that you Mothers are treating groups as your own, your property. You don’t see any other perspective than yours! We don’t need a round of applause just because we are fathers who will comment on a post of one of you.
Do you like animals? I hope you do! Please treat it with a sense of humor ladies!