In last days I am going through some health issues and because I am not very good at taking pills on time (actually taking them at all) and taking good care of myself from one ear infection I got to the point when now I have two ears blocked, inflammation of nasal sinuses and throat. Everything altogether. I had plenty of time to think about dying. You know typical “man flu”. Only this time I am actually really ill. I can’t hear almost anything in left ear, I’m coughing and so on. A thought straight from my childhood came to me and today I really wanted to share it with you – success, what determines it?
I was raised in an extraordinary family, at the time of big fall of communism in my country. Born in 1981, I still remember long hours spent in queues. No chances to do proper shopping. Those regular trips to Baltona and Pewex (polish “luxury” shops in times of Communism) so we can dream a little bit and fest our eyes. My parents as you know were disabled, deaf. They worked for a disabled people community center and I was growing up in a world of TV in mute mode and a whistling kettle. It was poor home, ordinary home. My parents were doing everything in their power so we can have everything we need for good life, home, and some clothes. Me and six years older brother, completely different and treated in a different way.
My childhood was distinct from the one my colleagues had, I was dreaming about having chat with my parents about the same things as my friends. I was growing up in times of VHS tapes, first models of digital tv decoders and transition from tapes to CDs. Commodore 64… I have no clue what happened to it. It was somewhere and then it was gone. But this post is not about it.
I always had this feeling, something that didn’t change since early years – that I don’t fit this world. It’s not about being better or worse. I didn’t match most of the places, most of the situations and the entire system.
Anger and rage were growing inside of me with time passing by. I was angry because the world didn’t understand me, that I always have to compromise and I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I didn’t fit the education system, didn’t fit the same age kids, neighborhood and family. I felt I was drifting away from the world surrounding me. That I am getting lost in the world inside of me. Reading books, music, poetry and other writing forms. I was far, far, far away from people of my own age.
There were more haters and more mocking. At the first year of high school, I got valentine card with death wishes: “I hope you will die trash.” Nice one, seriously…
With time I became mad about the situation I was in, about the system and social rules. I was angry at my family, the close one, and this distant one. With the last one, I am not longer in touch. Why would I? Even after twenty years since they see me for the last time they think I am a bad man, looser. I’m thinking over and over again, what is the determinant of success in their eyes? When can you say that you became someone, that you succeed?
Now I am wondering what sort of man I became? What I have behind me and what’s still waiting for me? Very often I am torn apart, there are days when I am sure it’s good – I’ve been in deep shit and now I have pretty good life, two kids, and vision of my life and future. On the other side, I have days when it strikes me that I am thirty-six and I am starting my life from scratches. So many years behind and probably nothing good ahead. The first option usually wins, luckily. The same thing with my writing, at first I was checking my stats and over and over again. Now? I don’t even check because it doesn’t matter to me anymore. What’s the difference between six thousands or six? None. I have no clue about marketing and promoting, the only thing I aim for is sharing with you things which are valuable, for me.
The anger stepped down, negative emotions were replaced with positive one. Sometimes, like everyone one, I have bad days when I don’t want to be around people, I don’t want to talk with anyone. Lately, I was deeply thinking about next steps, what’s ahead of me. What do I want to do for next ten or twenty years? I discovered amazing thing – things which were overwhelming for me as a child today are my lever to making my dreams come true. As you might see the blog went through some changes, the name of it changed.
Rock Daddy is moving forward.
I want to show you my version of parenting, co-parenting, pedagogy, and rock’n’roll. Use all those unconventional stories from my life to promote a better type of fatherhood and share with you my discoveries, and surprises. Undoubtedly being a father who is new in co-parenting is very revealing. I am exploring it, contemplate, testing everything in real life.
There is no other way to do that. I’ver never heard of someone born with a black belt in going through rough moments. A long time ago I would be petrified, most likely I would run away. Let’s be honest, it did happen before. As you know I have a son from a previous relationship who is almost fourteen. I didn’t see him for last thirteen years. I am not proud of it, I am not pretending or hiding it. I was irresponsible, we both were. Before he was born and long after. I took a lesson from this. Today I have my own family, everything looks different. Why do I tell you about it? I would like to give you an option to go for a trip through life od Niko from ten, fifteen or twenty years ago.
Without those moments from past Niko, you know today wouldn’t exist and you are aware of it. I did learn a lot, I wasn’t even average at school, but does it matter? I am not shining star of historical knowledge, I am not eloquent and I the only way I can count is by using a calculator. I am throwing out from my head things which are unnecessary. I was asked today to imagine myself a person who is visiting and reading my blog. For who am I writing? For myself, for you. You are visiting my blog so you can read what I wrote, maybe you want to laugh me out and continue to believe that I’m a loser. Maybe you’re looking for inspiration because you’re going through a hard time? Maybe my story is lifting you up? Maybe you, reading this is a coincidence? And that’s great!
Afterthoughts are in life very important. Making sure that we know why we are where we are is the most important. Although defining if you succeeded or not is pointless. It is a matter of an individual case, so what’s the point? For me twenty years ago going out of rehab in good health was a success. Ten years ago I was dreaming about having a family, especially children. Five years ago success was facing Maks diagnosis and not giving up. Finally today I am planning to do what’s in my power to raise children without any stress coming out of the changes they are going through because of their parents divorcing. What will be the determinant of my success in ten years? Who knows… We will see.